The Long Goodbye
by Reni-Maniac
Summary: What will happen if somebody from the past is returning to Washington while Mac and Harm are finally figuring out what they want?
1. Sunday to Tuesday

_Disclaimer:_  
They aren't mine, never were and never will be. The title isn't mine either just took it from a song Ilike, found it fitting.

_Spoiler:_  
Everything up to and including "4 percent solution"

_Author's note:  
_I want to thank my friend Inken (Anybody interested in Harry Potter?She finally finished her first stories, check them out on www_dot_fanfiction_dot_net/_tilde_inken. See I did the advertising ;P)for once again being my beta. And thanks to Birte who helped me with some original dialog even though she didn't know me at all. The both of you are great!

* * *

_What will happen if somebody from the past is returning to Washington while Mac and Harm are finally getting what they want?_

_This is first person POV, though I might change persons between paragraphs.  
_

**THE LONG GOODBYE**

_**- Sunday -**_

It's been about three and a half years since I've last been to the States. Three years were I haven't missed much about them. I've made my home back in Australia and it always will be I'm sure of that now.

Somehow, I now got stuck on that flight that takes me back into the past. How I got here in the first place, I am not sure of. Maybe it was because I've got my share of experience with American military or maybe it was just because my CO wanted to get rid of me for a while. Last week he told me about an international conference on military law, regarding especially the dealing with terror and sent me along. Therefore, I'm sitting in this plane for several hours already, getting closer to a place I have no desire to go to.

Suddenly the woman next to me pulls me out of my reverie. "You nervous sir?"

"No. Why do you think I am?"

"You've been checking your watch twice within the last minute."

"I did, didn't I?" I try to smile at her, but don't really feel up to it. I'm dreading the remaining minutes.

"And I noticed that you haven't had much sleep either."

"You must have been awake yourself if you noticed."

"But I'm not nervous sir, I simply feel too uncomfortable in planes for getting any sleep. I stick with reading." She shows me a thick book where the marker is well into the last quarter.

I sigh. She is right, I am nervous. Who wouldn't be? "I'm okay Lieutenant," I answer nonetheless. There is no reason I'm going to tell her about the things that kept me from the States. I turn my head to watch out the little window to my right and hope she would let it be.

And she does. We are on duty after all, and she knows when not to press a superior.

However, not telling the Lieutenant doesn't keep me from thinking about it. I've been wondering since the day my CO told me about our trip to Washington if she would turn up at this conference. What I would do if she did. I've quite successfully completed the task not to think about her while I was at home. I've gone on with life. But one moment made it all come back. Made the good and the bad memories come back. It feels as if my life during these three years was worth nothing, was for passing the time only. My eyes fall on the first outskirts of Washington DC. I hear the pilot tell us that we are now in process of landing. Last time I saw the houses that surrounded Dulles airport I was heading back home, finally facing the truth. And as if it had been yesterday I remember these last days. More precisely the last weeks. The weeks that should have been the start of my new life and been one of my happiest. And in the end they turned out to be the shattering of all my dreams.

It all started with the day of our rehearsal. No, to be more correct it started way before then. Nevertheless, it got worse that day. Our plans were cancelled. Cancelled for sure. I would have accepted if we had postponed it, but cancel it, that was way too much. And when I confronted her with it, only stating the obvious, she backed away. She always did when it came to our relationship. In the end, I wondered why she had ever accepted my proposal in the first place. It became very clear to me that she was not in it, not as much as I was. Therefore I had to face it, take the consequences she wasn't willing to. However, I had thought about a terminal break, something to clear our minds, to get sure of what we want in life and if it got to be combined somehow. And all she could do was run to him, the moment I left. I remember the saying: 'If you love somebody you should set them free. And if they don't come back again then it's meant to be.' Guess we weren't meant to be. Though I should have known it from the start. Should have accepted that I stood no chance. Even though at first I did. It was my ring she accepted, not his. Right it took some time for her to come to terms with it. I thought it meant she wanted that as much as I did, that I had got her for the rest of my life. I had planned on it, had loved her so deeply I thought it would work. Though somewhere deep inside I knew it wasn't enough for the both of us. Something did break inside of me the moment I had called his place to see whether she was with him or not, though I knew the answer beforehand, had always known. She had never declined it.

I feel the wheels touch the airstrip. I am back in Washington.

She had been at the airport the day I left. Had wanted me not to go. Had begged me, not with her voice but with her eyes. But my decision had been made. It was the only right one to take. I couldn't keep fighting for her my whole life. I wouldn't have had the strength to get her back then, but loose her again the moment both of them realized their feelings. Feelings I knew were there.

I find myself wondering if they had realized by now when the Lieutenant touches my arm to get my attention.

"Sir, we can leave now." She gestures for the seats in front of us that had already emptied.

"Okay." So here I am again. Moreover, I have to stay for the next week at least.

-o-o-o-o-

_**- Monday -**_

We are early. Nobody is there. I check the room first thing after we enter. A round table, flags positioned in the middle, 15 chairs around it. A few more chairs were pushed to the walls. I assume they are for secretaries, assistants and such. We choose two seats with their back to the window that is overlooking a small park.

A maid walks in after us, bringing the first of several bottles of water and asks whether we want some coffee. The Lieutenant declines while I take a cup. I would need the caffeine, if not for the conference itself than because of the lack of sleep.

The Lieutenant tries to do some small talk while we wait. She wants to know what I think the outcome of this would be, but I'm not in the mood of serious thinking before I really have to. Most of my mind is on Sarah anyway.

Slowly more people fill the room. As our CO hadn't told us who'd be taking part in this, probably because he didn't knew as well, I looked closely at the displayed flags. I was a tad surprised, that apart from the obvious teams of US and Great Britain the Russians would be coming as well.

I nod my good morning to the two British officers we met yesterday already, when I realize they brought a Sergeant along. He takes one of the chairs by the wall while his superiors join me on my right side. They seem to be quite enthusiastic about this.

After some more minutes, only three chairs at the table and one near the door remained empty. Two of them would surely be for the still missing US delegation while the third would be for the conference leader that would most probably be an American too. I wonder whether they would be sending Navy JAGs at all. This was an all-military meeting.

When I hear the door open, I shift my eyes from the Captain next to me onto the door and I see nearly everybody in the room do the same. This had to be them now.

An Army General enters first, a two star. Naturally, he wears the JAG insignia, so I get curios if he would be just another participant or the expected leader of this. After him, a tall black Commander and a female Petty Officer follow. I assume they are from Headquarters though I have never seen them before. But behind them I spot a familiar face walk into the room and close the door. I keep looking. I see the Petty take her seat by the door while the three officers take their seats opposite me.

I must have kept starring for a while because when Bradshaw touches my arm she asks, "Do you know him sir?"

I turn to face her and whisper, "Indeed I do."

When I focus back onto the known man, our eyes meet for a brief moment. From the look in his eyes, I could see that he hasn't known I would be here. I nod my good morning. He nods back. Now I'm back into the past for real.

A moment before the General clears his throat to get the show started; I'm thanking the mighty heavens that it hasn't been Sarah walking into this room to sit right in my view the whole day long. I couldn't have focused for a second.

"I think we get started by introducing ourselves. As I would preside over this, you should know with whom you're dealing first. My name is Peter Kessler, Major General in the US Army. I'm heading this as the Army JAG." He motions for the man to his left to continue.

"I'm Hauptmann Thorsten Schmidt from the German Bundeswehr."

I hear a thick accent with him, while his partner is speaking as if English is his native tongue. And judging from his name, it might as well is. The two women from Great Britain follow before it is my turn.

"Commander Mic Brumby, Royal Australian Navy." I simply state.

After Lieutenant Bradshaw we greet the French, the Canadian and the Russian team before we come to the US representatives.

"Hello, I'm Lt. Commander Bud Roberts. I'm working for the Navy JAG here near Washington."

"So do I, Commander Sturgis Turner US Navy."

"So now that we've got that covered we can proceed with the first issue," the General begins. "I assume that all of you have been briefed before this meeting." He lets his eyes wander round the table earning nods from everyone. "Well, about –"

The moment the work starts I manage to fully concentrate on the task at hand. No other thoughts distract my mind. I am glad for that.

-o-o-o-o-

I didn't feel the time pass and obviously nobody else did either. Soon it is noon and we're still discussing feverishly until by quarter past one the General finally calls for a break.

"I think all of us have earned an hour for lunch. We'll meet back here at 1430 hours."

Quickly people disperse out of the room in search for something to eat.

I turn my chair to look out of the window. Some time through the last hours it has started to rain and the drops are still falling heavily. That's when I decide that I would stay here, not go anywhere outside. Some others obviously think the same.

"I'm going down to the lobby. I think I saw a sandwich dispenser there when we first came in. You want me to get you something sir?" Bradshaw asks.

"Yes thank you. Anything would be fine."

"Okay sir." And with that she is gone.

I scan the room for lack of anything better to do. The British Sergeant is standing by the wall nipping on a cup that is holding something hot, as his glasses have fogged over. The French female Lieutenant and one of the Canadians, I don't remember who he is, are standing by the window talking animatedly. No one else is there.

I lean back for a moment, trying to relax the muscles in my back before I grab a bottle of water and stand up to leave the room myself. The corridor would be just as fine.

As I step through the door I spot Bud and the black Commander standing by a corner. Slowly I walk their way.

"Commander," the other, Turner I think, greets me when I'm near enough.

"Commanders."

"Mic. Commander Turner, that's Mic Brumby. Mic Commander Sturgis Turner," Bud does the unnecessary introduction.

"Congratulations Bud," I say pointing to the additional bar on the sleeves of his jacket.

"Thank you sir."

"So how are you doing?"

"I'm fine sir."

"What happened to your leg?" I have seen him limb a little when he has entered the room.

For a moment he hesitates and I think I see his eyes cloud over. However, the very next he is looking straight at me and answers my question.

"I've lost it about two years ago. I stepped on a landmine in Afghanistan."

"I'm sorry to hear that." I really am and I clearly haven't expected that when I formulated my question.

"No need to sir. I've made it through. Thanks to my family and friends."

I see him glance at Turner. He must have had his share in helping through.

"Ah, family. How are Harriet and little AJ?" I try changing the subject, for as comfortable he seems to be with the situation, I'm not.

"They are great. Though Harriet is constantly complaining about being fat."

"You didn't tell her, did you Commander?" Turner asks, the first time he says anything in this conversation apart from the greetings.

I wonder if he's just a quiet person or if he knows about me. Though if he does, he's hiding it rather well.

"No, I never would. But she's much more sensitive than during her previous pregnancies," Bud complains.

"She's carrying twins Bud. It is different this time. But it will only be two more months before it's over." Turner lays his hand on the younger man's shoulder.

"Yeah, that is if she's not shooting me first," he answers totally sincere.

"Oh don't worry. She won't. Who would relieve her of the soon to be four kids if she did?" I could see a smile on the lips of the black man.

"I hope you're right sir."

And only now does Turner's last sentence fully register into my mind. I do a silent double take, has he said four children? Bud Roberts father of four kids. I couldn't picture that.

"So I think more congratulations are in order. You really let the JAG-family grow."

"Somebody has to do it, if nobody else does."

"You don't have any kids Commander?" I ask Turner while all the while I'm strangely happy that Mac hasn't any children herself. It's not that I don't wish her to have any children, but it's simply more easy picturing her alone than with a large family.

"Not yet," Turner answers.

We fall silent after that, neither knowing what to say next. It is getting awkward by the second. The moment I want to open my mouth for an excuse I see Bradshaw coming our way.

"Sirs," she greets while handing me a package of sandwiches.

"Thanks. Would you excuse us Commander, Bud?"

"Sure sir."

"Greet Harriet from me please," I say before I turn. This was something more than simple courtesy though. Harriet had been the only one that truly made me feel welcome in their group. And I was glad that she had now the chance to grow a big family.

-o-o-o-o-

I look after the two Australian officers as they walk back into the room. Judging from the conversation Bud and the Commander just had I'd say that the Commander has been here before. But there is something else about Brumby though I can't quite put my finger on it. And if he has been here, wouldn't he have asked about the others from the office. Because at least Mac and Harm as well the Admiral would have been there.

"Sir?" I turn to face Bud. He must have said something to me I've lost.

"Sorry. What did you just say?"

"Just wanted to know what you think about having lunch as well."

"Sure," I nod. "We're going to find ourselves something to eat. Come on Commander."

As we walk silently towards the elevator I'm still pondering the name Brumby. I've heard it before. But as I still haven't come up with an answer when we reach the ground level and step out of the elevator I ask Bud about it.

"Bud, who is Commander Brumby?"

"The Commander spent some years here in Washington. He used to work at the office. He stayed as a replacement for Commander Rabb when Harm returned to carrier life."

Then it hit me. That's where I knew him from. Harm has talked about him. As I have understood then, Brumby hasn't only been a replacement in the office. I don't need Bud to go on to know that this was the Australian that was about to marry the Colonel.

"So I'd say it's a good thing neither Harm or Mac are taking part in this."

I see Bud nod next to me. I doubt that either of us will tell them about Brumby being here. Telling from my point of view and with the things I know about Harm and Mac and their feelings we better keep it silent.

-o-o-o-o-

When we reenter the room the Russians have returned as well and are talking loudly. Bradshaw rolls her eyes at me, they are probably filling more than one cliché she has in her mind.

I now look at the sandwiches for the first time. Salad and eggs. I have never taken much interest in eating eggs. But this is somehow exemplary for the whole situation I am in right now. Nothing seems to be the way I like it to be. And there isn't much I could do about it. I could decline the sandwiches and I could have asked my CO to send somebody else for personal reasons. But what good would it have done? I would be starving now and I would have been send most probably anyway, as everybody else had been occupied elsewhere. So I begin ripping open the package and deal with it.

The Lieutenant must have seen me hesitate for she started an excuse immediately.

"I'm sorry sir, but these were the only ones left." She shows me hers and the label reads the same. "Don't you like them?"

„It's alright Kylie."

She gives me a suspicious look.

"If I may ask, is there something else bothering you?"

I'm slightly shocked as I thought I have my feelings hidden rather well.

"Like what?"

"I don't know something about the Lt. Commander?"

She thinks this got something to do with Bud. Always the nice guy Bud, the man that should have been my best man. I shoot her a little smile. "Why do you think it has?"

"Maybe from the way you have kept starring at him this morning or from the silence spread between you when I joined you outside." She shrugs her shoulders a worried look on her face.

"No, it got nothing to do with Bud." Another smile forms on my lips about the ridiculousness of this thought.

She now eyes me the way a police officer would eye a non-confessing criminal.

I sigh a little, more for the theatrical effect than for anything else. "As you are a nosy Lieutenant and you surely won't stop asking me about it, I may as well tell you. I've met the Commander when I was stationed here five years ago due to some exchange program. We've been working in the same office. And let's simply say I've not got the fondest memories of this stay." I'm not gonna tell her that this results from the additional year I came back as a civilian, not from my first stay. And when I see the 'see-I-knew' look in her eyes I add. "But this had nothing to do with Bud."

She nods. "Thank you sir. I promise I'm not digging anymore."

"I'd appreciate that." With that I take a huge bite of the egg sandwich which I don't like.

Soon enough everybody comes strolling back into the room. As we are all gathered before the 1430 mark we make a head start, maybe for finishing early. Once again, everything about previous stays in Washington fades back into the dark of my mind.

-o-o-o-o-

By the end of the day when I am leaving the room as one of the last Bud catches me at the door. He must have waited for me.

"Mic, I'd like to speak to you."

We walk a little down the hall before he finally starts. I'm curios what that is about, as he seems to be eager not to reveal this to Turner, though I don't know why.

"What is it Bud?"

"When I talked to Harriet over lunch I told her about you being here." He eyes me as if he'd just confessed to treason.

I just nod my head to tell him it was no big deal for Harriet to know I'm here. That's as long as she wouldn't tell anybody else. I wonder why I'm so sure that neither of Bud's accompanies would tell.

"So we'd, that is Harriet and me, like to know whether you would care to join us for dinner some time this week. We could catch up on old times and you could get to know Jimmy."

I think for a moment about the offer. I'd rather not go, the fewer things to remind me of the past the better. But Harriet would be quite disappointed if I wouldn't show up. So finally I'm about to answer.

"How about tomorrow? I'd go to my hotel to change and then catch a cab to your place."

For a second I think Bud has expected a different answer. He probably isn't as enthusiastic about having me around as his wife seems to be. But just like me he thinks better of it.

"I'm sure it's okay. I'll check with Harriet and give you directions tomorrow. She will be delighted."

He starts off to get home to his pregnant wife and two little kids. I envy him for that. I wish I could have that myself. A place and people I can go home to. That's when something or rather somebody creeps back onto the surface. In a sudden hurry I walk after Bud.

"There wouldn't be anybody else, would there?" I ask when I reach him. With Harriet around one never knew.

For a moment he looks confused before he recalls the reason for my question.

"No."

"Good." That came out pretty quick. However, I'm sure Bud does understand. "Thank you Bud," I add before I let him stand there, still a little surprised by my outburst.

-o-o-o-o-

_**- Tuesday-**_

During the last night I finally managed to get more than an hour of sleep at once. That might be because the Roberts' invitation made me realize that Washington was a big enough city not to run into Mac if I don't choose to. Moreover, it hasn't been all that was bad about this place. There are things I actually liked about having lived in Washington. I always loved the atmosphere of power that lingered in the air everywhere you went. After all this was the capital of one of the mightiest countries in the world. So if I can keep myself from going to Georgetown I would surely get this trip over well and be back home by Sunday night.

This morning I surprise Kylie as I walk into the breakfast room with a smile plastered on my lips. My anxiety has lessened over the hours I finally found sleep and to some point I was looking forward to tonight's dinner with Bud and Harriet.

"Sir, you look much better today."

"I am, a little. It's still not the place I'd be if I could choose, but I think I can make it through this week," I say when I grab my plate to head for the buffet.

"Good for you and me," I hear her murmur behind my back.

-o-o-o-o-

As we're heading for the entrance after breakfast to walk the few blocks to the building that holds our conference room, I check into the souvenir shop in the lobby of our hotel for a moment. I plan on bringing something for the kids.

A grin forms on my lips when I see the Lieutenant walk a few more steps before she realizes I'm no longer by her side. I see her turn, a highly puzzled look on her face, her eyes searching for me. I must be truly confusing this morning.

The little shop offers few toys. But I don't mind, as I've got absolutely no idea what to bring a five year old and I don't even know how old the second Roberts' son is. After a few minutes I finally decide on a fire truck and a stuffed lion.

When I'm about to pay and ask about the things to be brought up to my room, I hear the little bell over the door ring. As I turn I see Bradshaw coming towards me.

"Here you are, sir. We'd gotta go or we'd be late." She was still eying me as if I've gone totally crazy.

"I'm finished here anyway," I answer as I receive my exchange.

"Sir, permission to speak freely?" she wants to know when we're about two blocks from the hotel.

I assume she needed some time to either find some logical explanation for my behavior or collect her guts to ask me about it. I pull my eyebrows up for her to go on. She still hesitates a moment.

"You're acting strange." She practically spills these words out; afraid she might have overstepped a line there.

"I'm sure I am. But I've got my reasons."

"Okay sir. Sorry I asked sir." She isn't satisfied with my answer and I wonder if she ever thought I would truly tell her. But she would have to cope with it. We are co-workers, seldom seeing each other out of the office.

We finish the rest of the way in silence. Again no comfortable one. This seems to get a habit around me.

-o-o-o-o-

When we walk into the room it is already crowed. We'd been running late indeed. We quickly bid our good mornings and head for our chairs. As I check my watch when I'm settled down I see that we weren't late though, we were right on time. As I glance around I see that we weren't the only ones that were later than usual. The French were missing as well. They walk into the room about two minutes later. I realize something with them that I can't quite put my finger on. But there is something about the way the Lieutenant greets the General. There's something in her voice that I haven't heard before. However, I have no time pondering the issue any further because as soon as they have closed the door Kessler orders us to take our places and the conference starts into another day.

By two minutes to twelve we've made enough process for the General to call a break. And he's one of the first to leave the room.

I walk over to where Bud and Commander Turner are talking with the German that speaks English that well, Major Connor I think. After all I still need to get Bud's address for tonight. But as he has been that cautious towards the Commander about the invitation last night, I solemnly step up to them, listening to their conversation and waiting for my chance to speak to Bud alone. Soon after I joined them I see the Petty Officer quickly come our way.

"Sorry to interrupt sirs," she says before she turns to Turner. "Sir may I speak to you?"

"What is it Coates?"

She looks at us for a second before she answers. "In private sir."

"Excuse us." Our eyes follow the two of them a few meters down the hall.

This is my chance. "Bud about tonight."

"Harriet thought that around six would be great, if that's okay with you sir," he answers silently. "This way you could still meet AJ and Jimmy before they go to bed."

"Six would be fine," I assure him. This gives me plenty of time after our meeting.

"This is our new address." He hands me a small paper.

"So you've moved?" Pretty silly question when you're getting somebody's new address.

"Yeah, the old apartment wouldn't have fit two kids, not to speak of four, now would it? So we got a house with room enough for the kids."

I see his eyes lighten while he speaks of his family. This is one glad man.

"I'm looking forward seeing it."

With that, our conversation is over as Turner steps up next to Bud only to pull him away some steps and quickly talk to him.

-o-o-o-o-

I follow a step behind Coates, wondering what's so important she couldn't tell me in public.

She has stopped now and turned towards me. For a moment we just keep looking at each other. Finally she starts to explain.

"Sir, I've just spoken to General Creswell and he told –"

I interrupt her. "Why you've been speaking to the General?" I ask confused.

"He wanted me to update him on a daily basis at the end of each meeting. And as he wouldn't be in tonight I informed him just minutes ago."

I wonder why Creswell thought it necessary to get updated by her rather than wait on Robert's and my report. But who am I to question his motives. Surely Coates wouldn't know about them either, so I shrug it off.

"What has he told you?"

"He wanted me to tell you to get back to HQ immediately."

I see she isn't done yet, but pondering on how to get finished. I wait, wondering on what was that important that he would take me out of this.

"Your father has been brought to hospital about one and a half hour ago. He says they say it's bad."

I have to swallow hard on the words I just heard. Did she really say that? But when I see her eyes and hear the whispered "I'm sorry," I know she has.

With a "Thank you Jen," I turn on my heels and walk, no almost run, back towards the conference room to get my things.

-o-o-o-o-

I let my eyes rest on the two men talking only mere meters away. I don't hear what they say, but I can clearly see Bud's reactions to what the Commander is saying. I see his face cloud over with what I would judge as concern. This couldn't be good news. Then Bud nods and Turner proceeds into the room only to come back out with his briefcase and cover seconds afterwards. I still watch Bud when Turner passes him again, now both their faces showing a great worry. But within a second the look on Bud's face changes from worry into shock or surprise, I don't know which. Something beside the obvious must have settled in his mind. Something that wasn't quite appealing. Our eyes meet for a brief moment and like the day when we first saw each other at this conference his eyes linger on me as he was trying to make something out of my presence. Could this have something to do with me? But why should it?

I feel Turner brushing past the Major and me. My eyes drift from Bud onto the back off the black man. I'm not sure whether I heard a rushed "Goodbye,". Or if I just thought I did.

"Wonder what has him that worried?" Major Connor says next to me.

And so he is gone, not to return for the rest of the day.

Bud is talking to General Kessler when the later returns form his lunch. I guess he's explaining things.

So we continue this afternoon with one seat empty.

-o-o-o-o-

I hear the bell and call for Harriet that I would get it. So there he is.

I felt strange about this whole situation from the very beginning, but Commander Turner's announcement has made things somehow worse. I wished he could have stayed. But I wish him well and I do understand. And for once I wish for some other senior officer to be among the staff of JAG-HQ. It would make things easier, a lot easier.

Things have a foul taste and I don't know how to handle them. I longed to talk to Harriet before Mic arrived. I didn't even had the time to tell her about Chaplain Turner, for when I'd come home she has already been busy with dinner and needed me to have an eye on Jimmy. Moreover, I had yet to spend some quality time with my oldest.

As I walk to the door throwing a last glance at AJ I think about my possibilities.

Should I tell Mic that most probably either Harm or Mac would replace Turner in the meeting, so he was prepared? Which of them would be most difficult for the man that now stood outside my door? Or should I just keep it to myself not to upset him beforehand? Either choice I take it isn't going to be pleasant for him. At least I think it wouldn't, judging from the way he has eyed me that first day.

-o-o-o-o-

I've been waiting all afternoon for Bud to cancel our dinner tonight, but nothing such has happened. So now here I am, standing in the driveway of a rather big white house that looks pretty inviting. Still I feel a little uneasiness rise inside of me when I take the few steps to the door to ring the bell, holding both toys from this morning in one hand and flowers for Harriet in the other.

It's Bud who opens the door a little sleepy boy on his arm.

"Good evening Commander. Come on in."

"Thank you, Bud. This must be Jimmy then," I say while I pass him as I enter his home.

"Hi," a little voice calls from my right side. I turn to face a little blond boy.

"Hi AJ. You remember me?" I doubt he will.

I'm right; he shakes his head, still standing someway off in the doorway to the next room.

"I've brought something for you." I eye Bud with a questioning look and kneel down when he nods at me. I hold out both toys for him to choose. I smile as he slowly comes my way and takes the car off my hand.

"AJ!" his father warns when he is about to turn around.

"Thanks sir," AJ says before he runs off into the adjourning room.

I turn back to face Bud and hand him the lion. "That's for Jimmy then."

"Thanks. Uh, I'm sorry to leave you standing here but I think I need to get Jimmy's diaper changed. It's late for him anyway. Harriet's in the kitchen, it's down that way." He motions past the stairs into the back of the house.

"Sure, no problem. I go find her." With this I walk off into the shown direction.

I knock the door before I enter not to startle her.

"Harriet, it's great seeing you again. You're looking great." And she really does. Pregnancy and motherhood is suiting her well.

"Pleasure's all on my side. Did Bud ask you to tell me that?" she asks, though I don't miss the lightly tone her voice holds.

"No, I did see for myself. These are for you." I hand her the flowers.

"It's wonderful finally meeting you again. We'd never got the chance to say goodbye."

I drop my eyes to the floor. I'd rather not think about this time anymore.

"I'm sorry." She realizes immediately and blushes a little on the lack of thoughtfulness.

After some moments we both recover and I ask if she needs any help.

"No. It's all settled, we only wait for Bud to come back down. This way please." She passes through a door a bowl in hand and I follow.

I watch as she places the item onto the table set for four. I remain at my spot by the first door while she goes to get her son.

"So how do you like the house Mic?"

"It looks great, you've got excellent taste."

"The Commander helped me get it." For a moment I wonder why she's referring to her husband by his rank before I realize she means somebody else.

She must have realized the same thing for she clapped her hand to her mouth. "Oh my god, I'm sorry Mic. I don't know where my thoughts are tonight."

"It's okay." I manage though she knows as well as I do it's not. However, I'm not going to let this ruin the nice day I've had so far.

-o-o-o-o-

* * *

_Anybody interested in the proceedings of Wednesday?_

_If so, would somebody - for the sake of the next chapter - tell me whether Mac crashed her Corvette or some other car on X-mas (the ep hasn't aired in Germany yet)._


	2. Wednesday

Guess my little question wasn't an easy one. We have a 4-3 win for the Corvette though. I take it that Mac therefore has a new car already which Harm knows. I have her have a BMW Roadster, another sportscar and the one I'd love to drive ;)

_So due to great demand, here it is ..._

* * *

_**- Wednesday -**_

I'm nervous as I walk down the hall. I don't know why I am, but something inside of me keeps telling me there is something about to happen.

I remember Creswell's words from yesterday.

"Colonel, Commander either of you has to replace Commander Turner in this international meeting Roberts and he have participated in. I leave the decision up to you."

We must have looked quite surprised because after a few short moments he told us about Chaplain Turner briefly. We weren't supposed to let it slip to any other staff though.

So that is what brought me here, walking alongside Bud and Jen, the former on my left side, the Petty on the other. I feel like they are giving me some sort of escort. Moreover, the way Bud has eyed me this morning when we met this might well be the case though I still don't know why. I wonder whether they have held the same pattern with Sturgis.

When we reach the doors I can hear voices from within. Bud and Jen let me enter first. They should. I push open the slightly ajar door curious about what the day would hold.

I take a step into the room and let my eyes wander over the people already present. A second step.

Suddenly the room goes drop dead silent. Not a sound could be heard except my one heartbeat that is pounding a million miles an hour. It sounds like a thunderstorm to my ears and I'm sure everybody can hear it.

I don't know whether the silence results from the people's curiosity about an unknown face or from the shocked expression I'm sure I'm mimicking right now.

The moment I have scanned half of the room my eyes came to rest on a man I haven't seen for nearly four years. The sight of him ripped open old wounds that were just about to heal. We keep starring at each other. I couldn't get myself to move.

"Ma'am, you're okay?" Bud has his hand on my arm concern ringing thick in his voice.

-o-o-o-o-

-o-o-o-o-

Here it is, the one thing I've been dreading most these past days and what was unlikely to happen as I have convinced myself only yesterday. Talking about things turning out right.

Sarah has walked into the room, a smile lying on her features. She looked excited when her eyes covered the room. That was until they met mine. Her face went bare in a mere second. Total shock now lies on her beautiful face. And beautiful she still is. I'm captured by her beauty just the way I had been when we first met. Not a thought passed my mind about the many hurtful hours I've spent trying to forget about her. I simply can't take my eyes off of her. Instantly I realize all the things that have changed about her. The hair that has grown longer, the slightly different color it now seemed to bear. The way she looks at me now. She'd never looked at me like this before. And I'm sure this isn't about the shock only. This is something from way deep down inside of her. I see her shake her head on a question from Bud. I haven't heard it but I see the worries he holds for his friend. He's confronted with much of that lately.

I wonder how we would get through the day, or rather how I would manage. I'm not feeling very capable of thinking straight right now. My heart keeps pumping far too much blood through my veins. I feel my hands get sweaty. I keep them firmly folded in my lap.

Bud has stirred her to her place now, leaning over her and whispering something. The Petty Officer is standing nearby obviously wondering what has happened with her senior officer.

-o-o-o-o-

-o-o-o-o-

I have made it past the first half of the day. I kept pretty quiet, only adding rare comments every now and then. And so has Mic. Thankfully the General either hasn't realized my lack of participation or he doesn't mind. Maybe he just thinks me incapable of doing my job. And to tell the truth, right now I am.

Throughout the whole morning I've stolen glances at my former fiancé in a regular pattern when I couldn't force myself to look down at my patch any longer. Only once have our eyes met again and we both cast them away immediately.

I'm pondering why this has to happen now. Why now of all times? Now that Harm and I are finally making progress. It isn't that I still have any feelings for Mic, but this encounter threw me off balance. And it still hurts.

So how could I think about starting anew with this shadow from my past hovering over me?

I drum my fingers on the table when the questions keep bouncing through my head. I let my eyes wander through the now empty room. Empty that is apart from the French Lieutenant that has remained at her seat as well. Our eyes meet. We cast each other a weak smile. She must be pondering something as well.

I turn my head slightly so I could watch out of the window and return to my own thoughts.

-o-o-o-o-

-o-o-o-o-

As I step into the room I'm surprised at what an empty atmosphere it is casting. Normally it is crowded with people talking in various languages. But right now there lingers silence.

I look at the two women remained at the big table. They are so much alike. Not in their looks, as one is a tiny blonde in a blue uniform while the other is a dark haired marine. Nevertheless, they are alike in the way they seem to be forlorn to the world surrounding them. Each of both is lost in their own thoughts. Thoughts that don't seem to be the most pleasant. This much is evident from their eyes. One pair focused on the table the other lost in the distance of the sky over Washington.

I hesitate a moment pondering whether I should go in and disturb or leave them alone.

I'm still standing in the doorway wondering on what has the Colonel so distracted when she turns her head and spots me.

"I thought you might need something to eat." I explain when reaching her.

She looks at me a little confused. I can tell she hasn't been thinking about lunch at all. So whatever it is that got her this worried it has hit her really bad.

Finally she answers "Thanks Jen," and takes the offered sandwich.

"How do you feel Ma'am?" I whisper after I settled down into Commander Roberts' chair. I'm not really expecting her to answer truthfully but I felt the need to make the offer at least.

"I'm fine Jen," she tells me eyes remaining on the sandwich.

-o-o-o-o-

-o-o-o-o-

"How's he doing?" I ask without preamble once I arrive at Sturgis' side.

"He's recovering sir." I can hear relief in these short words.

"Glad to hear that." I have a look around, but the corridor is empty except for a busy nurse hurrying by. "No friends around?"

"Varese's on tour in California, she's checking in on us every so often. And Bud's been by this morning."

I have to smile on the fact that the Commander named Bud just second after his lover when I asked for friends. I still recall his hostility towards the then Lieutenant after the failed hearing. But then again the whole office held a hostile atmosphere during that time.

"And the Colonel and Commander?"

"Both called but couldn't make it yet. Though they promised they would be by," he answers leaning back against the wall. "May I ask how you learned of this?"

"I called your father's place and was told that he had a stroke. I came right here."

"Thank you sir, I should have thought of calling you myself."

"You've had other things on your mind Sturgis. It's okay." I watch him close his eyes for a second and stifle a yawn. "How long have you been here?"

"Just short of a day," he returns after checking his watch.

"You've had any sleep?"

"Not much."

"I recommend you try to get some rest. I stay with the Chaplain."

"I appreciate the offer sir, but –" he's trying to assure me he's fine.

"No buts. I'm sure they can fit another bed into your father's room for you."

"Thank you sir." I can tell he's giving in just because he's too tired to put up much of a fight.

I leave Sturgis for a moment to find that nurse and ask for a bed. I would pull rank if needed, though there's a chance it won't help in a public run hospital.

Ten minutes later I'm back, with the promise of an arriving bed. Sturgis obviously has returned to his father's side. Silently I enter the room I've been first headed for.

The midday sun is spreading some light onto the walls of the room, making the yellow walls shine even brighter. This is a pleasant room at least. I can tell that the Chaplain is asleep and that his son isn't far from sleep either. Being as quiet as I could I reach for a chair and pull it up to the side of the bed.

"AJ, what was it you wanted from my father? You've said you called his place," I am asked once I've settled down.

We speak over the bed of the sleeping patient. "Yes. Nothing much, just needed some diversion, another old soul to talk to, so to speak." There are times during retirement I feel awfully bored. That's when I need somebody to share old stories with. And I always found the Padre a good partner for that.

I see Sturgis nod when a knock on the door captures our attention.

A young man enters, pushing along a folded bed he's putting up by the other wall in silence.

Once the bed is ready Sturgis gets up from his chair and walks over to the offered rest, giving the man a grateful look. Shortly after I can hear another steady breathing and am left in a room of quietness.

-o-o-o-o-

-o-o-o-o-

I'm standing in the park that's spreading out behind the windows of our conference room, for the lack of somewhere else to go to. So I'm standing here starring up at the window on the second floor.

I'm feeling tired, as if Sarah's sucking all my energy out. I don't know why she still has this power over me but I desperately try to fight it. I force myself to turn away from the building and head into the park. I'm not in the mood to walk but I can't keep standing there either. So I settle onto a bench facing into the park.

I focus on the little package I've brought for lunch. Something else than the ominous egg-sandwich I've had for the last two days. I rip open the box of cookies I've bought at the hotel this morning. When I tuck the first chocolate into my mouth I remember just how much she has loved chocolate. I sigh as I still seem to recall every detail about her. I recall the way her hair smelled when just washed, I remember the way her soft skin felt on mine, but most clearly I see the shining of her eyes when she was truly happy. Problem was that has been rare and if it has happenedRabb was most surely around.

I put the cookies down. I'd get myself this sandwich again.

"You don't want them?" An old lady has dropped down on the bench beside me.

"Help yourself." And she gladly does.

After having eaten the first in silence and taken a bite of the next one, she quietly starts talking to me.

"These are good."

I grunt a little but keep starring at the trees opposite us. I'm simply not in the mood to talk. But she obviously is.

"You don't eat these in general or only just today?

Her eyes stay fixed on me, I can feel them souring into the side of my head.

"I can't today, bad memories."

"Worse than what chocolate can heal?"

"It's the chocolate that causes it." I turn to face her and start telling her about the things that are bothering me today and ever since I came here. Somehow she's remembering me of my gram. I feel like I truly know her, like she would understand. "My ex-fiancée used to love chocolate. I'm sure she still does."

"And you can't eat these delicious sweets because of that? You give up chocolate because she loves it when you've already given up her? I don't think that's fair," she states sympathetically all the while she pats my arm with one of her hands and reaches for another cookie with the other.

"Will you give up all the other things she used to love?"

"I haven't rejected chocolate until meeting her again today. It's probably only the resurfacing memories that keep me from these cookies."

"So you met her. Is that why you're so sad? Because you still love her?"

"I've moved on." Kind of. I've gone back to Australia, rejoined the Navy, all the things I've given up for her. But still, ever since our parting I've not had any serious relationships. First off, I didn't felt the need for one and second there simply hasn't been anybody that succeeded in capturing my heart so far. Was that because she was still holding it, even though I denied it?

"And I'm not in love with her anymore, though I'm not fully over her either I think."

"You know there is a reason for everything good or bad."

"I don't get the sense behind meeting her again." I wonder why she only turned up when I had gladly adjusted to the fact I wouldn't meet her and not at the beginning of the week when I had myself mentally prepared. "So why now?" I ask the old woman.

"Probably it's time. How long since you've last seen her?"

"Nearly four years."

"That's a long time. Maybe you should talk to her."

With a sudden movement I turn my head from her and back onto the trees.

"I can't."

"You should try."

I feel her hand on my arm again and her piercing eyes. I see her nod.

"You really should."

And obviously she isn't referring to me talking to Sarah only as she holds the last but one cookie out for me to take.

I remain silent but take the sweet from her. I don't see me trying either in the near future. Somehow she reads my thoughts.

"Keep it as a reminder." And with that she takes the last cookie, gives my arm a final pat and humbles her way. I keep sitting for a while pushing the chocolate from one hand to the other.

-o-o-o-o-

-o-o-o-o-

I'm sitting in the locker room of my kickboxing gym. I've worked the punching bag for an hour trying to relieve myself of all the stress seeing Mic has caused. However, I don't feel any less stressed now. Still the thoughts from the day keep circling through my head.

How can I truly hope for this time to be any better? Especially with everything I've experienced so far.

Pictures of the past begin swirling through my mind - places, persons.

_…Ciudad del Este… …Mic… …why did you abandon me… …Dalton… …answer me honestly… …the beach at Manderlee… …Harm… …back at the beginning… …one shot… …Sarah – say – that you – that you – will always love me… …not yet… …Clay… …don't want you to go… …Sydney Harbor… …always love you… …Harm… …talk to me… …the Admiral's porch… …never… …eternity… …luv… …McMurphy's… …because I'm in love with him… …Chris… …physically and emotionally, and that's impossible… …I need you…_

They culminate into the moment back at Manderlee with Clay.

I can still feel the sensation of my skin from when my hand made forceful contact with his cheek.

_"Feel better?"_

_"Yeah, I wish it were that simple. …"_

Things weren't that simple back then and they aren't now. Though through it all I realize one thing, Harm and I have been through a lot and he's still there while nobody else is. Just as he once said _'you've come with me farther than anyone else'_, we both have.

I let the day pass before my mind's eye once again. Why was this happing now? Am I supposed to do something about it? Will it be any good? Will it change anything between Mic and me? Am I still interested in any changes? Will this somehow affect the 'relationship' Harm and me are currently trying to work out? Most surely it would, some way or the other.

I've been asking myself these questions repeatedly while I kept hitting that punching bag. It has been no good. There have been times when I had somebody's picture mentally pinned to the red leather, not so today. This wasn't about anybody else. This wasn't about Mic. He was the tip that set it all in motion. This was about me. About me and how I'm dealing with any of my relationships.

Probably Jen was right, I need to tell somebody. However, she isn't the right person for that. She knows neither about me and Mic nor about me and Harm. I would have to explain way too much I'd rather keep silent. I can't talk to Harriet or Bud either besides they are the closest friends I have apart from Harm. Again, they still don't know the fully story about Mic's leave and they don't know about the new bond Harm and I are trying to develop. Harriet might suspect, she might hope but she surely doesn't know. And talking to Sturgis simply doesn't seem right with the problems he is facing right now, plus even though I've accidentally revealed my feelings to him I won't feel comfortable talking with him.

Therefore, the only person that does know all the input to this story - for it is our story - is the one person that I can't talk to about this although I know I should. Facing Harm right now would result in him comforting me and probably the both of us taking the one step he's been waiting for. And for which I'm not sure I'm ready yet. Moreover, doing this for the wrong reasons would be just another point added to the list of wrongs in my relationships. For once I want to do everything right. This is far too important for me to screw up.

I remember the day Harm had used these same words with me, but in a different case. Still this one thing – taking Mattie as a ward – had all this made possible for us. It had him change.

I sigh and stand up to finish dressing and head home.

It's raining once again when I leave the building. Why is it raining that much around this time year anyway? I shiver slightly from the chilly evening. I sprint the few meters to my new BMW and throw my bag on the passenger's seat before I slip behind the wheel. For a moment I simply sit there and listen to the sound of the raindrops on my roof. A hot bath will warm my body and hopefully ease away the nagging questions and sour muscles.

Absentmindedly I reach for the safety belt first and for the keys afterwards. The roaring of the car's engine breaks the rhythmic drumming of the rain. I watch my headlights vanishing from the wall as I pull back out of my parking lot.

I drive for a while only listening to the sound of the BMW. For once my mind is totally bare of any thoughts or fears, this is simply about comfort.

I circle into a parking lot when I finally focus on something else than the street alighted by the car's headlights. I shut my engine down, turn the lights off. I'm surprised when I hear the rain no more. Somewhere on my way it has stopped. I remain sitting in my car.

This isn't my place I've been driving to. My subconscious mind has brought me to north of Union Station. Now I'm parked outside Harm's apartment building looking up at his windows. I see the lights are on, so he's home. They cast a soft shining at the still wet street. I wonder whether I should go up now that I'm here. But I stay in the relative safety of my car. I'm not up to facing him and all the issues that would rise. I would just stay here, being near to him even though I'm not physically.

I don't know how long I've been sitting down here in darkness when the ringing of my cell phone brings me out of my reverie. I check my internal clock – 39 minutes. I reach into my bag to dig the phone out, Harm's name blinking on the display. I'm glancing up at his place. I can't see him.

-o-o-o-o-

-o-o-o-o-

I tried her home first but only got her machine. I wondered where she was. When we decided yesterday for her to replace Sturgis she told me that she would ring to tell me how it went. So when I came home I changed for my run and headed back out, cautious to have my cell phone with me just in case. But she hasn't called within the hour I was gone. Maybe they were working late. Therefore, I settled down with some actual case files I had brought from the office. Occasionally I checked my clock. It wasn't so much that I was worried about her, or that I was that much interested in the meeting. It was more about the fact to hear her voice when I had no chance to all day long. I've been looking forward to this call throughout the day. Only now she doesn't call.

So I tried her home and left a message. She has probably forgotten about calling. I try her cell phone next. By now I am pacing my apartment as I count the rings on her side. I've made it as far as the bathroom window by the forth ring. For a moment I lean my forehead against the cool glass and close my eyes.

When I open them again I see her new-bought Roadster on the street below. I lean against the wall and keep looking at the dark car, listening to the rings, waiting for her voice to come on.

"Hi Mac, I've been wondering what you do."

I hear the smile that is evident in my voice. It's due to the prospect of having her near, I can't help but smile.

"Nothing much." I expected something else. But as I don't see the car door open, I assume she's already on her way up although she isn't telling me.

And even though I expected it I'm still startled by the sound of my door bell. "Hold on a minute, there's somebody at the door," I tell her and could already picture her smile greeting me. I sprint through both the bathroom and my bedroom and am by the door in no time.

"Hi Ma –" but I stop dead in mid-sentence as it isn't her standing there.

"Oh, it's dinner," I tell her. I've totally forgotten about my earlier order.

I press the phone between my ear and my shoulder to reach for the food and pay the delivery boy. Mac hasn't said a word yet, though I know her to still be on the line as I can hear her breathe.

With big steps I cross the room to get the take-out into the microwave to keep it warm and get back to my place at the window watching out for her.

"What did you get?" I finally hear her ask.

"Chinese. Like to come over? It's enough for two."

Once again she's keeping silent. For a moment we both are.

"Mac, I know you're parked outside my house. Why don't you come up?"

"I can't." This sounds pretty definite.

"How about I come down to you?" I ask hopefully. I know there is something bothering her and I want to help.

"I don't want your food to get cold." That isn't a 'no'.

"I don't care about my food getting cold. But I care about you." I'm already on my way back into the living room to get my shoes. I grab my keys and am out of the door, the phone still close to my ear.

"You're not going to drive away now, are you?"

"No." It's nothing more than a whisper.

I take the steps down as the elevator seems far too slow. I'm desperate to get to her. I know there's something wrong. I can tell from her voice.

When I reach the car I see her sitting there, starring outside, herphone still pressed to her ear, though I have ended the call the moment I stepped into the night that was still cool from the earlier rain.

I open the passenger door. Taking the bag out I slip into the seat placing the bag on my knees. Softly I close the door. I spot her kickboxing things. It must have been a hard day indeed.

"Hi." She now turns her head to face me while she takes the cell phonedown and closes it.

"Do you want to talk?" I have to ask, though I know the answer.

She shakes her head, her hands playing with the phone. I see that she's still buckled. I wonder how long she'd been parked here before my call.

We both keep silent for another while, before she starts to undo her seat belt and turns to face me.

"Harm, would you just hold me?"

This very moment holding her is the only thing I want to do. Hold her in my arms and keep her safe from the entire world.

Quickly I try to get the bag from my knees so I could turn as well. But it is no good. I've never before realized just how small such sportcars really are. So I settle with the bag half on my legs and half in between. Not caring about the bag anymore, I lean closer to her and wrap my arms around her. I feel her relax a little as her body comes close to mine. For several minutes we just sit like that, neither of us feeling the need to speak.

Then she pulls away, but only so softly and far enough for us to look into each other's eyes. And what I see there tears my heart apart. There's so much fear and vulnerability in these beautiful eyes. This has been a seldom thing over all the years I've known Sarah MacKenzie, but it has become a regular sight within these last months. So much has changed. Suddenly a thought crosses my mind. 'Oh god. Please don't let it be back again.' I have hoped, we both have, that she has made it through the pain, that things were getting better. Although I still hope for us to have a child together, this is about her. That she wouldn't be in pain any longer. I couldn't stand to see her hurt once more.

I must have closed my eyes on the thought, because when I reopen them I see the look in her eyes change. Suddenly all the fear is gone, being replaced by something different. My eyes lock with hers that are now slightly sparkling. Sparkling as if she has found something good at least.

And then she leans in again. Only this time her head is not coming to rest on my shoulder like before, but her lips come close to mine. I can feel them softly lingering on my mouth. It's a soft kiss, just like the one from her engagement party. And just like then she backs away after a few seconds. Only this time I'm not going after her. This time I let the kiss end, for it does feel right to do so. When I look back into her eyes I see that I've indeed done the right thing.

"Thank you."

I nod. I do understand. „You feel a little better?"

Now it is her time to nod.

I let my hands that were still resting on her shoulders wander down her arms and squeeze her hands when I've reached them. I hope for the both of us that she would find a way through this and I want her to know that I will always be there.

I cast a last smile at her before I take the bag from my legs and open the door to get out.

"Get home safe, Sarah," I say softly as I lean back into the car to put the bag back onto the seat.

"Harm, I will tell you, eventually."

I smile at her. I know she will. With a soft thud I close the door and head back to the house. I remain outside until I can see her taillights no more.

-o-o-o-o-

-o-o-o-o-

* * *

A heartfelt thanks to all of you who reviewed (and a smaller one to the ones who only read). Really appreciated your kind words and was surprised to get messages from all over the world. 

Now some special notes:  
_LisaGirardi:  
_I'm no big fan of Mic either. I for my part think he's been the worst of Mac's boyfriends. But this story just popped up in my head and stuck 'til I wrote it down. And just wait, you might get a glimpse of what you're hoping for, though not the full load.

_martini1988:_  
Thanks for you offer but I got it all covered ;) Just waiting for CBS to finish and my friend to send the eps over.


	3. Thursday

Thanks for all of your reviews they make my day, keep them coming :-)  
BTW, Manda how do you manage to get back to me that fast? Here I am posting and something like an hour later your review's there. Really love that.

_So here you go with the next day..._

_**

* * *

**_

_**- Thursday -**_

Today was somewhat better than yesterday. Mic and I still avoided each other. There isn't much we could talk about. Today at least I managed not to let him control my thoughts. I've quite surprised the General in taking an active part in our discussion. And that is because talking to Harm, or rather not talking to him, still had me realize one thing.

He is my future, one way or the other, he would always be there. And Mic is just another thing that turned up from my past. I would have to deal with it as I did with every other, accept that it has happened, remember the good parts and learn from the ones that went wrong. It took Clay's 'death' for me to learn, but I did. For once I'm on a road in life that feels right to me, even though the path leaves me struggling for save ground. How did Robert Frost put it in his poem? The easier road isn't always the better. I think about the road I've traveled so far. Ever since our first meeting Harm and my roads had run parallel for times, had diverged during others, but in the end they've always been near enough for us to reach out for the other, see where the other went while we've had no chance of leaving our own road. Every now and then they crossed, but each of us has chosen a different path to continue. But right now I feel like we're finally on the same track. He's a little ahead of me, but still I'm following him after the short glimpse I had on the dead end that could have been the other possibility. After yesterday I feel more secure about Harm waiting for me down the road so I could catch up and we could walk the rest of the way together.

There he is, waiting for me outside the hospital's main entrance, just like he said he would when we talked again last night.

After my hot bath I felt sure about my earlier made promise. I would tell him, I needed to. I'd do it today. Therefore, I called, even though it was late.

"How was your bath?" he greeted when picking up.

I had to smile he knows me that well. "Am I disturbing?"

"No. Couldn't sleep anyway."

I wonder if that was because of me. Maybe he knew that I would call. But he didn't say and I didn't ask.

"You've got any plans for tomorrow?"

"I've planed on visiting Sturgis and his dad. You'd like to join me?"

"Sure."

"How about I pick you up after your meeting? We could go there together." I heard his voice catch the tone of nonchalant chatter; it no longer held the concerned ringing it did when we were in the car, nor from minutes ago.

"No!"

The moment the word leaves my mouth I knew it was wrong. Better, it sounded wrong, because true it was. This sounded far ruder than I intended it to be. But he coming to get me would hold the possibility of him meeting Mic and that would take matters out off my hands. This was something I don't want to happen.

I hear Harm inhaling deeply after my outburst and try to save the catch.

"It isn't that I don't appreciate your offer, but I think it's easier for the both of us to go there separately. See, I have my car at the place and would have to leave it there when you pick me up. Let's simply meet at the hospital." This sounded lame, even to my ears.

Still he said he was okay with that, though I could hear he was a little shocked by my harsh word. Probably due to that he ended the call rather fast after we came up with time and place to meet.

So now here I am walking towards him, the need and the wish to tell him about Mic still burning high on my list.

"Today been any better?" He's still worried about me.

I nod before I start walking again. He joins my side and leads the way. Obviously he has already asked his way through as he directs me straight to the elevators.

When a car arrives and the door opens I feel his hand fall into place on the small of my back as he guides me into the cabin and presses the button for sixth level. We spent the ride up in silence. An awkward silence. I for my point am wondering what I am going to see once we're at the Chaplain's room. I hope it isn't that bad, for both Sturgis and his dad.

-o-o-o-o-

-o-o-o-o-

The Lieutenant and I walk back to our hotel in the now accustomed silence. I hold it high for her not to dig anymore, though I can tell that she's having her own thoughts concerning my odd behavior. I turn towards her after we entered the lobby.

"I've got something to check. I'll see you in the morning."

"Okay sir."

I think she's relieved not to have to cope with me any longer. I watch her head towards the back of the building to where the lifts are located, before I walk over to the reception desk.

"Could you get me a telephone number?" I ask the man addressing me.

"Sure sir."

I reach for the pen and paper that lie on the desk for such purposes and scribble Sarah's name and address down.

I wait the moment it takes the clerk to gather the information.

"Sir, do you want to be connected?"

"No thanks, the number will do."

And so he hands me the paper back, having added another line under my own hand. It's the number I find I still recall clearly. Obviously I haven't forgotten it over the years. She is still living at her old place.

I keep staring at this new or old information. What am I going to do with it now?

After some more minutes I step back out of the hotel. I figure the taxis are waiting at a point just a little down the street as one of them is arriving the very moment I start looking for one.

"Georgetown please."

So now here I am, sitting in a cab outside her door. I look at the cookie I still have and maybe I'm going to try. Not eating the cookie, because two days haven't done it any good, but trying to face her, actually speaking to her. This is if I could get myself to leave this car and ring her door. I see the money tick off on the taximeter.

Finally I trust my eyes to look up at her windows. They are dark. I thought she would have been home by now. However, there isn't even the slightest light coming from her place. She isn't home. To a point I'm relieved. But something else is telling me I'm missing a chance. I crumble the cookie in my hand letting it fall to the floor.

"Back to the hotel." I shoot a last glance up to her apartment when the driver makes a u-turn and we're headed back to where we've come from.

-o-o-o-o-

-o-o-o-o-

When we reach the door to room 648 both Harm and me hesitate for a little time. Obviously Harm is feeling similar to me. Normally he would have opened the door for me, but right now he isn't moving at all. And I do understand him for he did know the Chaplain much longer and more closely than me. Still this is getting to me, so I can only guess how hard Harm is taking this.

Finally I take the step forward and press the handle down. The door opens into a small room the curtains are closed, keeping the light dimmed to a minimum. To my right, half covered by the door I see the bed and a sleeping Chaplain Turner. If blacks could go pale I'd say he is. He looks torn. As does Sturgis. He is sitting by his father's side, turning his head when I enter. He is looking at me, giving me a slight smile for welcome. I step into the room a little further to let Harm enter after me. But I stop when I don't feel him close anymore and his hand leaving my back. As I turn I see he still hasn't moved. I reach out to touch his arm and only now does he look up and finally starts to move. Maybe that was why he asked me to join him today. He needed somebody by his side just as I needed him yesterday.

He silently closes the door behind us, both of us still fixed on each other forgetting for a moment why we were here, just trying to comfort each other by simple presence.

Quietly we turn to face Sturgis again. Only now do we see the other person that's present in the room. The chair has been hidden behind the door and is still half lost in the shadows. But we stiffen nonetheless.

The Admiral only shakes his head silently not to disturb the sleeping inhabitant of the room.

"Admiral," both Harm and me greet simultaneous when we recover from our surprise and relax a little.

"AJ." Normally he would have corrected us in a lightly tone but today his voice is holding a distance that I've heard before when things were troubling his mind.

"So how is he?" Harm finally asks slowly stepping nearer to Sturgis.

"It's not that bad. At least that's what they tell me. They say the chances are good that he'll fully recover."

"We truly hope so." I see Harm place his hand on his long time's friend's shoulder. I've rarely seen such an intimate action between these two men. But these are two men worried about someone they hold dear.

The room falls silent, all of us watching the breathing of the old man lying between us, hoping that he would be up and well soon.

After a while Sturgis is turning my way. "How are you doing at the conference Mac?"

And from the way his eyes linger on me I would say that he isn't referring to my thoughts about any possible changes in military law, at least not solemnly. I'm a bit surprised that he seems to know about Mic.

"It's okay I guess." He nods his head. "It's not much longer."

I'm sure now to see some understanding glistering in his eyes. I wonder if Bud has told him about my past with Mic.

Suddenly the Chaplain stirs and wakes up. He's looking round the room, surprised to see that much people. When his eyes make a second round through the room he manages a smile for each of us. I see his hand move towards his son's that lies on the bed.

-o-o-o-o-

-o-o-o-o-

I choose this moment to get up from my chair.

"I think we'll leave you alone for now. Good night Padre, Sturgis."

I turn to guide Harm and Mac out of the room to let father and son have some privacy.

"Good night," they both tell the two as well before Mac opens the door and the three of us step into the bright light of the corridor. I haven't realized how dark the room has gotten, having sat there for quite some time before Mac and Harm arrived.

We turn in the direction of the elevators walking alongside each other, each hanging onto own thoughts. Finally I break the silence.

"May I ask about this conference Sturgis spoke of?"

"It's some international get-together on the military law. We try to get some more ground rules set, which isn't always easy with that many opinions around," Mac tells me.

"And Commander how about you? Do you behave yourself?" I ask Rabb and am greeted by that sheepish grin of his.

"I'm on my best."

I see Mac join his smile and can't help but smile myself. Suddenly I feel somewhat relieved from what had captured my heart since the message of the Chaplain's apoplectic stroke.

I watch Rabb's hand fall into place on the small of Mac's back when he lets her enter the arriving lift first. The cabin is pretty cramped forcing us to move close. Close enough for Mac to lean against Harm wherefore his hand moves from her back onto her hip. I doubt he even realizes. However, she did for sure because I see her tense for a second before she settles into the situation and relaxes against him. Good thing I'm not their CO anymore.

-o-o-o-o-

-o-o-o-o-

I pay my bill and leave the cab at the exact spot where I entered it some time prior. I remain standing there. I've no desire to go up to my room and settle in for the night. I start strolling through the streets.

I find a bar, which's sign says they're offering Foster's, so in I go. I need something to remind me of home.

I place the sheet of paper I've got clinched in my fist until now next to my beer the moment the barkeeper provides it. I gulp down the first quarter. It tastes different from home, but it looks alike and that's the most I would get, the yellowish liquid in a glass with the imprinted red, blue and golden logo.

"You're going to call her?" The barkeeper has come back to me and spotted the paper.

"She's not home." I take another sip of the beer, my eyes never leaving her name.

"Might try again."

Why is it I'm meeting the second one already that wants me to contact her?

"Why are you interested in this?" I ask.

"Don't know. Guess I should be happy about the heartbroken, heh? They bring me a lot of money. But some days I just can't help it."

"I'm not heartbroken." I've been back then, but right now I'm only troubled by the past or rather the present.

"You're looking a damn lot like you are."

"So what do ya thing I should do?" I down the rest of my beer.

He takes the empty glass. "Want another one?" I shake my head. "Call her, get to her place, whatever." He shrugs his shoulders and walks away to talk to another miserable soul.

I stay at my stool, my eyes alternating between the sheet of paper and my own reflection in the mirror behind the bar. What do I really want? Do I want to talk to her, do I need to? Maybe both the old woman in the park and the barkeeper are right. But what if they are wrong? Should I take the chance?

-o-o-o-o-

-o-o-o-o-

The Admiral, AJ, has left us the moment we stepped into the cool of the night, so now Mac and me are left standing there, both looking into thepale light of the moon. Out of the corner of my eyes I see her open her mouth as if she wants to say something, but she doesn't. Instead she starts to move towards the parking lot. I see her shake her head slightly.

That's when I take my chances.

"How about I get us something to eat and we meet at your place?"

She stops and turns back my way. I see her struggling with herself. There is something on her mind. For a moment it looks as if she would once again decline my offer, but then she gives in.

"I'll see you there." Maybe she would tell me today, maybe she wouldn't. At least I would be there. To tell the truth, right now I couldn't be at my place all alone.

-o-o-o-o-

-o-o-o-o-

"Come on in, it's open," I call from my bedroom when it knocks on my door.

I finish pulling the sweater over my head and head for the door. I have changed after returning from the hospital.

"That was pretty quick." I know that Harm wanted to go to my favorite restaurant, and they're taking their time with getting your order ready. But they are good. Therefore, I'm a little surprised that he's already here.

However, I'm much more surprised when I step into the living room, not to see Harm enter my apartment but another man.

"Mic!" I remain in the doorway, leaning against the frame.

"Hello Sarah." He stays put next to the door.

Our eyes meet across the room, both unsure about what's going to happen next. I see him scan the room before his eyes come to rest on me again.

"Why are you here?" I manage to ask. I've dreaded this moment from the minute I first saw him and even though I've seen this coming I would have preferred it not to happen in my apartment, and especially not now.

"We need to talk." He walks over to the couch, settling down. His eyes never leaving me.

"There's not much we could talk about."

He nods his head, but still speaks up. "We need to put this behind us."

"What this?" I ask, though I know pretty well what he means. I for sure need to put my past behind me.

"Us."

"I thought you did that when you left for Australia four years back." I'm surprised that I still feel a stitch in the heart when I remember that day at the airport.

"Obviously neither of us did." I have to give him that. "Or things would have been different yesterday."

"So what do you want now?"

"I want to move on with life."

"Then do, I'm not preventing you from anything."

"You moved on?" He eyes me curios. And for once I'm not so sure I did. But I want to, and I want it to be with Harm. So I nod my head softly.

And as if he has read my thoughts he asks, "With Harm?"

"We are friends." That is what we are, and I'm hoping that we'll stay that if nothing else.

"Like you've been back then."

"You are still holding that against me?"

"Actually, yes I do. You've been with him when you should have been with me."

I'm building up a rage, I can feel it coming. "You've been the one that turned our relationship down. I needed somebody I could talk to." My voice is holding an angry edge.

"You could have talked to me." He chooses to ignore it.

"No I couldn't. You've just rejected me." Just like every other man in my life.

We both keep silent for several seconds pondering what to say next, when another voice breaks the silence.

"Mac you shouldn't leave your door open."

Perplexed I shift my glance from Mic to Harm. He is standing next to the door, one hand on the handle, the other holding the package of take-out.

"Brumby," he greets surprisingly even.

"Rabb." Mic's greeting is holding much more crunch against the other man.

"Didn't know you're back again." Harm closes the door, his eyes lingering on Mic.

"Sent here for the conference," he states matter-of-factly.

I'm following their exchange always expecting some outburst from either of them. Nevertheless, both keep their distance, literally and physically, Mic on my couch, Harm with his back to the door. There lies a hostile tension in the air nonetheless.

I focus on Harm when I hear him address me. "Last night?"

I nod. He nods back. He then turns, his eyes traveling over Mic for a short moment, heading into the kitchen.

"You having dinner with us Brumby?"

I'm shocked on his question. I expected him to get hurt, jealous… whatever, but not asking Mic for staying. I hope Mic is not going to take him up on his offer. I couldn't stand having both Harm and Mic sit together next to me and having a quiet dinner when neither matters with Mic nor with Harm are anything near settled.

"I've already had. I'd better go now." He pulls himself up and leaves without giving either me or Harm who had vanished into the kitchen by now another glance.

I let the breath escape my lungs. Good thing he's gone now, though I'm sure it's not over yet.

I follow Harm to the kitchen but stop in the doorway. He's got his back turned towards me, searching for some plates. I wait for him to turn around but he doesn't.

"You want juice or water?" he asks scanning the fridge he just opened.

"Water would be fine." I watch him take out two bottles and add them to the tray he's been preparing. He grabs it from the counter and finally turns my way. But he isn't looking at me he keeps his eyes on the tray, passing me on his way out. I can't stand this any longer. I reach for his arm to stop him. I don't want this day to go on like this.

"I'm sorry. I didn't ask him to come here."

He still isn't looking at me he simply puts the tray down and keeps standing there motionless, his hands on the table.

"Harm, would you please look at me?"

He turns, and I finally see the hurt in his eyes. He managed to keep it out of his voice, but his eyes are giving it away. There is something else as well. Something I can't place.

"I intended to tell you today."

"Why couldn't you last night?"

"I was confused. I didn't know what to make of it. This took me by surprise, I wasn't up to it. I'm still not."

"You still love him?" I can see the fight he's putting up with himself to keep his eyes on me.

"No." I desperately try to radiate that through my eyes as well. He needs to know this to be the truth. "But Mic's appearance shook me pretty bad. My mind was going in circles, I couldn't get anything straight. He brought back so many things I thought I have stored behind sealed doors, but obviously I haven't."

He just looks at me, waiting for me to go on. Moreover, I know that I couldn't stop here, I need to tell him or he wouldn't understand.

"When Mic returned it was like my whole past returned. This whole day I had pictures of past relationships chasing each other in my mind. You remember the day you talked to Sturgis about my relationships and the men either being dead or feeling like they are?"

He immediately casts his eyes down to the floor. "I'm sorry for that. I didn't mean to –"

"But you were right. I think Mic would agree with that. And thinking about it, I come to the conclusion that with every past relationship I tried I'm cursed. Nothing worked out. Mic's return made me think about it. Probably I'm not made for a relationship. Not even with you." I whisper the last words.

"I'm willing to try my luck." He steps closer to me. I can feel his breath on my skin. "And even if you're cursed, so am I." He softly touches my cheek. "We'll make it through."

"You promise?" I ask, hopefully gazing into his blue eyes though I know he can't promise because he doesn't know. However, his promise would help me believe in the chance.

"I promise to try with my every might." He brushes his lips against mine for a short moment. "Want to have dinner with me?" He steps back a little and holds his hand out for me to take.

"I've already planed some other date."

"Guess you have to cancel that." He guides me to the nearest chair and pulls it out for me.

"Think so." I watch him place the plates, glasses and boxes of food on the table.

-o-o-o-o-

-o-o-o-o-

Oh, that went well. What made me trust two strangers more than my own knowledge of her? Just thirty minutes ago I believed they were right and getting here would finally bring me closure on what's long gone. I probably wanted to believe it would. Why am I needing this in the first place, why is it I haven't moved on yet? Is it really about this one failed relationship? I know I've been right to walk outta here the first time, I can still tell from this one look they shared. It never changed and it never will. So why am I feeling that bad about it?

When I cross the street I look back up at her place. There behind the alighted windows she's going on with life. And as much as I hate the thought of whom she's doing it with, I envy her for the simple fact she's doing so. But then again it's always been easier for her, she wasn't the one to be rejected, to be cheated on. She knew where to go. I never really did, even though I knew Australia was a place to start.

I think back to the moment he walked into her apartment just so casually as if he belonged there. Without much thought my hands curl into fists. He's still doing that to me. I've only barely managed not to get up from my place and meet his face with my fist for welcome. Suddenly I clearly recall the day the Admiral made us go in the old warehouse to solve whatever there was between the two of us. I can still feel my fist on his jaw; still feel the pain his punches caused. But what good did it do in the end? Nothing changed. Sarah still went back to Washington with him. True I got her to wear my ring. Seeing his look when he discovered it still brings a smile to my face. However, in hindsight he did win, didn't he? He was the one that got her around. There wasn't much change about it when I returned to the States.

So today I just walked out again, regretting that I came in the first place.

-o-o-o-o-

-o-o-o-o-

It is as if we've both signed a treaty of non-aggression. We keep the questions easy and the topics light throughout dinner.

The boxes are nearly empty when we fall silent. There is no more easy chatter. We both know that. We've reached the point where both of us need to clarify what happened minutes ago and last night.

After we picked at the last remnants of our dinner to stretch the time I take everything back into the kitchen taking my time. I know I want this, need to do this, finally.

When I return Harm is sitting on the couch his eyes closed. I would like to know what he's thinking right now. I settle down next to him, one foot tucked under my body, the other on the floor so I could turn towards him.

I'm still not speaking, he's still not looking. We both have to prepare ourselves for what is there to come.

I wring my hands searching for the words to start this. He stops me by taking both of mine into one of his hands. I let them fall into my lap. His hand stays with mine.

The moment I open my mouth he turns his head and smiles at me. This smile assures me I'm doing the right thing.

"This got me scared."

While I speak I run my fingers over the skin of his hand that is now resting on my knee. I trail his fingers with my fingertips brushing over the sinews that clearly show.

"For all my adult life I've been building walls around my heart to not ever be hurt again. I've told myself if I don't love and don't get too close to anybody I can't be hurt. But still with each of my failed relationships I've been left hurting and crying. As a solution, I've been erecting these walls and swore it would be different the next time. The problem with that is I've never really loved any of them. I've been in love yes, but I did never truly love. I thought I didlove Clay, but I probably told myself so often I started believing it. So this leaves me scarred what real love would do."

I turn his hand, my glance still on his face. Without noticing he now offers me his palm. I run my index finger across it. He flinches when I pass the middle of it. A weak spot.

"I'm scarred to have my heart lying bare and vulnerable. I'm scarred that you do that to me."

I press my finger to his lips when he wants to say something. I need to finish this first.

"For each of your touches, each of your smiles makes my walls crumble. But I'm even more scared to loose you. That you would move on, finally, without me. And I'm left behind, my heart bleeding and my best friend gone."

I've taken hold of his hand. I press my fingers against his. I watch my hand against his. My fingers look so much smaller and more breakable compared to his. He moves his hand slightly so his fingers slip between mine. Immediately our fingers intertwine.

-o-o-o-o-

-o-o-o-o-

I softly press her hand to reassure her of my words.

"You don't have to be scarred Sarah. I'm moving nowhere. I'm right where I want to be. It has taken me years but now my heart as well as yours lies open. Open for you to take care of it. And if we both mind our steps they will heal in time, and not only heal but get stronger."

I touch her cheek, my thumb catching the tears that are falling from her eyes. I can feel my eyes pool as well.

So that's it. There are still several things left unsaid but this is the beginning and for once we told the other about our feelings, not in the explicit words, but still clear enough for us to understand.

I feel the sudden need to have her close. Therefore, I let go of her hand and softly wrap my arms around her shoulders. Instantly she's leaning into the embrace and I pull her even closer. I can feel her heartbeat next to mine. For several minutes we sit in silence reveling in each others presence.

"You should talk to Mic, really talk I mean."

She frees herself from my arms and backs away a questioning look in her eyes she has now focused on me.

I keep her from totally escaping my reach by letting my hands linger on her shoulders.

"To put the past at rest, once and for all."

The look of her eyes changes. She does understand.

"Would you talk to Renee?"

"Maybe." She eyes me skeptically.

"Guess we have to see once we get to the point, huh?"

She nods but is probably hoping just as much as I am that this would never be and Renee would never again cross the path of our lives.

Then Mac leans back into my embrace.

"Would you stay tonight?" She has only whispered it so softly the words were almost lost to me.

I nod. "Sure."

-o-o-o-o-

-o-o-o-o-

I strip into my boxers and T-Shirt and set the alarm for the next morning while Mac is in the bathroom getting ready as well. When she comes out equally clad in T-Shirt and shorts we give each other a smile through the darkness of the room and change places.

The bathroom holds a distant scent of cinnamon when I enter. I splash some water in my face and my mouth. That'll have to do for tooth brushing, I hope Mac doesn't mind.

As I come back out Mac is standing by her window looking into the night her face softly lit by a street light.

"It's cold and lonely out there," she says.

I walk over wrapping my arms around her from behind.

"Thank you for staying with me."

"It's not that you had to force me, is it?" I smile into her hair. The cinnamon is softly wavering around her.

"Let's go to bed." She walks over pulling me behind her.

And as if we've done that for ages my body spoons against hers while she pulls my arm over her and up to her pillow so she could rest her face on my hand.

"Good night Harm." She kisses the back of my hand.

"Sweet dreams Sarah," I whisper into her ear.

-o-o-o-o-

-o-o-o-o-


	4. Friday

I'm posting this early because I'm a little depresed right now (about nothing major though, exept that my friends and I didn't get any tickets to next year's soccer worldcup -sigh-) and I'm needing your kind reviews.

_**

* * *

- Friday - **_

Throughout the night we have obviously managed to stick close together because when I wake I find myself lying on the back my right arm spread across the bed. Mac is curled up by my side her head resting on my shoulder so I can feel her breathe against my skin.

I turn my head to look at her. She's looking so much at peace while she's asleep. There is nothing left of Mac the kick-ass-marine. There is only Sarah. Sarah the woman that still is so scared to be hurt again. A smile lies on her lips. She's having sweet dreams I hope. She's looking so beautiful, the early sunlight casting soft shadows on her face.

I can't help trailing the drawn lines with my finger. She stirs from my touch but doesn't wake. I listen to her breath. Right now she's more beautiful then ever before.

I keep looking at her until my neck begins aching from the odd angle I'm holding my head. I wonder how late it is. The alarm hasn't kicked in yet. I move a bit to have a look at the clock.

"0642," Mac says her voice still thick with sleep and the eyes closed.

"Morning sleepyhead." I turn so I'm on my side to face her without causing a stiff neck.

She has opened her eyes now pleasing me with the most wonderful sight.

"Feels good waking up next to you Sailor."

"I could get used to it myself," I smile at her. That's how a perfect day has got to start.

-o-o-o-o-

-o-o-o-o-

Waking up this morning felt easy and light, like when the first sunrays break through the clouds after a rainy day.

Harm and I had breakfast during which we both tried to keep this mood up and where we were back to the somewhat old banter we once had. Afterwards Harm headed home to change and be at the office in time, but not without gathering me in his arms once more.

"You should do it," he whispered in my ear before he kissed my cheek and was out of the door.

This however was the first reminder of what was lying ahead of me this day that is if I choose to go through with it. Because ever since he has wrapped his arms around me last night not one thought has drifted back to my former fiancé, they have been solemnly trusted on Harm, us, the here and now.

So when I, unlike Harm, had another hour to spare before I would have to drive the short way to work I decided to take a run, not the normal length of way but enough to clear my mind.

However, the very moment I see Mic and the Lieutenant who's accompanying him neither the run through the park when I thought I had myself prepared nor the pleasant morning keep me from hesitating in my steps and watch them proceed to the entrance. Though there is something else that is pushing me forward nonetheless, so I follow them and come level with him the second he opens the door for his colleague.

"Morning Lieutenant, Commander," I greet them my eyes always on Mic.

"Morning Ma'am," the Lieutenant answers before she steps through the door and with a "Thanks," lets us standing there.

I wonder if Mic has told her about us or if she could guess from our behavior so she knows she better leaves.

Finally I pass him as well. He hasn't said a word yet. He's probably going to keep that pattern. I figure it's my turn anyway, isn't it. He's been by my place yesterday and I told him there isn't anything we could talk about. So why should he talk?

I start when I hear him close the door. "Mic about last night –" I trail off.

He's not watching me, starring off in the direction of the lift the Lieutenant is about to take.

I ask myself just how close these two are before I realize it's none of my business actually.

"You were right," I continue.

"So?"

We pass a little hallway to our right when suddenly a slightly raised voice cuts our momentary silence. And with the passing seconds the words get louder and the speaking more rushed. Mic and I both let our eyes drift down the hallway only to have them settle on a stunned looking French officer. From the ringing of the words, though I don't understand them, I'm sure he's in some kind of fight. For a moment we remain standing at the intersection silently watching the fellow officer.

When good manners kick back in and we continue our way, we do so in silence. I think it's save to say that we both welcomed this distraction happily and neither is about to take the next step right away. For a short moment while on our way up I let my eyes linger on Mic. He's looking like – like what actually? Relieved, satisfied, assured? I don't know.

-o-o-o-o-

-o-o-o-o-

There she comes. I want to hurry my steps. But that would look suspicious, so I remain walking casually alongside the Lieutenant and keep watching Mac out of the corner of my eyes. I wish I could reach the door, ride up to the second floor and be in the room time before her, as it has been these last two days. We have never yet talked a word in there, always taking the other people's presences for an excuse not to come close. But something, maybe the way she walks or the way her brows seemed to be pulled down and make her look concentrated, tell me she won't hold on to that once we meet at this door.

"Morning Lieutenant, Commander," she greets trying to be civil. Her eyes keep piercing me.

I follow when she walks towards the lifts. I wish I could have gone with Bradshaw, vanished from this, changed places with the Lieutenant.

"You were right."

I wonder what exactly I've been right about. The fact that she should have been with me instead of him. But then again she'd made her point about that last night. Or the fact that we did never end this probably. Only she had obviously. But why would she worry about me then?

"So?"

Suddenly I catch an irritated voice from down the corridor. So it isn't only me to have some issues here.

"Je t'aime. Et tu sais ça. C'est notre problème. Tu –" I hear the French voice continue, rising ever so slightly. It's only women who have this honey sweet tone in their angriest voices and you immediately know you're in great trouble.

And probably just for the benefit of hearing someone else's problems we both linger for a moment watching Capitaine Criminale listen to somebody we can't see.

"You take me for granted. You think that as long as I love you and you keep treating me nice and gentle every now and then I'll stay, be the one giving you a home. Do you know that others keep telling me I'm a fool to keep believing that one day you'll be mine? I always declined that, I trusted that you would finally leave your past behind and be with me, really be with me I mean. But even here, in a totally different country where there is nothing and nobody urging you to keep up your old ways you still do …"

Finally we continue our way though the woman's words keep following us. They sound soft - French words always do to me - even though they are spoken in anger and hold nothing but pain.

"…And for once I understand that this is you, that you'll always be like this and I'm not the one to change you. You will never commit to one woman only, will you? And if so it's not me I guess. You just proved it over and over again. I'm tired of that."

Both Mac and I spent the way up in total silence once the words are shut off by the doors of the lift.

I ponder the words I've just heard. This wasn't so much unlike my – our – situation. Some place in my rational mind, somewhere where my heart had no power, I knew that I had always been second choice and that nothing would have changed about that. Nevertheless, hearing the same experiences from another person and seeing them take a similar step is kind of assuring. Maybe I won't need any closure from Mac after all. Maybe that's been all that I needed, someone to have lived through the same circumstances. Now that same someone telling me I've been right and not just anybody who pitied me or wanted to help. I silently thank the French Lieutenant, for I think it was her opposing the Capitaine, for finally showing me what I've been long searching for.

We've reached our destination and I let Mac enter first and things are back to usual. She walks over to Bud and joins his conversation with the Russians while I cross the room to engage myself in another conversation with whomever else.

-o-o-o-o-

-o-o-o-o-

I'm surprised to see the Colonel enter just seconds before Mic. I don't know whether they met coincidentally or else. But the moment Mac comes striding my way while Brumby takes the opposite direction I know their meeting hasn't been an easy one, intended or not.

"Morning Colonel."

"Morning."

Moments later Mac seems to have forgotten about it and is talking rapidly with Lieutenant Kling. The two women have obviously found a common ground that leaves us two men standing by as accessories. Me the more so as Mac has changed to Russian about five minutes into the conversation.

I let my eyes wander through the room. There is nothing much that would capture my attention. That is until the French Lieutenant enters the room. I can see from my position that she must have been crying. She isn't hiding it well. Another woman that got a backload of problems. Even though I don't know her all that well I've already realized from the few words we exchanged that she is quite a sympathetic person and surely doesn't deserve feeling bad. Just the same as the Colonel. I let my eyes linger on her for a moment longer when she settles down on her chair.

Only seconds later I'm surprised to see Commander Brumby take the seat next to her. I continue watching as he starts talking to her softly. I wonder what he has to do with her. He can't be the one causing her problems as well, can he?

I get the answer to my question as I keep watching on. After just a few words of Mic the woman begins to relax and she even manages a small smile when he takes her hand. When he stands up again to leave her alone I can read a 'Thank you' from her lips.

So my eyes follow the Commander, still wondering what this was all about.

"Go talk to him if you like Bud." Mac must have ended her conversation and followed my line of sight instead.

"I don't want to upset you ma'am," I say a little ashamed of my behavior.

"It's okay." I keep looking at her for I guess it most surely is not.

"It really is." And with a final nod she makes it sound like an order for me to go over there.

I resist the urge to answer "Aye, aye," before I leave. I don't even know what I should talk about with Mic. I never wanted to in the first place. But as Mac seems to be so eager to make sure to show that this isn't getting to her – though I know better – I round the table and join Mic by the window.

-o-o-o-o-

-o-o-o-o-

I sit by his side. Everything is quiet around me. I'm sure AJ will join me any minute now. He has for the last days. I'm still a little surprised that he stayed that long. I never knew dad and him were that close. But I guess I haven't been paying much attention lately, regarding the things my father did. However, through the long times spent in this room we probably talked more personal stuff than we had over the two years we've known each other so far.

So for now I'm sitting here, watching his steady breath and praying things will get back to normal. Praying, I didn't do that for quite long either. But right now it feels like this is everything I can do about the current situation.

"You're still here?" I hear the whispering voice of my father.

"Wouldn't be going nowhere."

"Is everybody else gone?" He lets his eyes wander through the room.

I nod my head. "It's early yet. AJ will be here soon."

He smiles a little before he rests his head back against the pillows.

"You're okay?" He'd been getting better but what if he's having another stroke, I know this can happen.

I feel him reach for my hand and place it into his next to his body. "Just a little tired. You know, I like it when you're around. I haven't been seeing much of you lately."

"You could have called, you needn't have yourself be taken to hospital so I come see you," I joke. Nonetheless I feel a different kind of closeness between us. We've always been close, probably closer than most fathers and sons, but still this feels much more intense. I don't know if this is due to the fact I almost lost him when I wasn't ready to just yet. And having seen my best friend always craving for his father I've realized back then that I've been – dad would say – blessed, I only didn't know how much until two days ago, and I wouldn't have admitted it to any of my friends at the Academy.

Shortly afterwards I hear a knock and we both look up while I call for the person to enter.

"Good morning. How are you feeling?" A doctor and a nurse come walking into the room and stand at the other side of the bed.

"Tired but better."

"That's good news Mister Turner."

I watch as the nurse continues to check vitals and some other things.

"The way things are developing I'd say we might release you as soon as Sunday," the doctor explains to the both of us after the nurse has finished and handed him the file.

"And he will be okay?"

"As far as I can tell; yes. He needs to come back for some therapy though."

"Thank you."

The nurse casts a last reassuring smile at me before she leaves to head out of the room after the doctor.

Only mere seconds later the door opens again after a soft knock.

"Everything okay in here? I saw the doctor come out."

"More than okay I'd say. They are going to release dad by Sunday." I happily tell AJ.

"So you're up to some more talk soon Padre, aren't you?"

"Plan on it Admiral." I can't help but smile on the fact that my father is the only one to call AJ Admiral without being corrected. I feel like this is the first smile since the moment Coates told me about this whole ordeal.

-o-o-o-o-

-o-o-o-o-

"Mic, can we try talking again?"

I nod. I'm probably not the only one to need closure. "Let's take this someplace else." I'm not comfortable with both Bud and Lieutenant Bradshaw near by.

I lead the way into the park. We complete it in silence and settle down on that same bench I've been sitting at this first day she'd come back into my life.

"I've thought we've got nothing to talk about."

"You were right we need to put the past at peace. But I can't do that without at least trying to explain." She keeps staring at the tree line on the other side of the path. "I'm sorry about the way we broke up."

I realize that she isn't sorry about the break up.

"It wasn't about you."

"I know that much. And that has been one of our problems all along, hasn't it? This whole relationship wasn't about you and me. You were never really in love with me, were you?" I ask the question but don't wait for her to answer. I know the answer anyway.

"This was about you and Harm or rather about what he wasn't either willing or able to give. But I've been. Isn't that why you accepted my ring in the first place? Isn't that why you finally switched it onto your right hand when he went to Russia?"

"Mic this isn't –" she has turned her head now trying to decline the obvious.

"I should have known back then. However, I thought I've had a chance. You made me think I did. But I never did, have I? And I finally realized that this last night when you've gone to him."

She's dropping her eyes. I'd like to know whether she's ashamed she's done that or if she's sorry I'm right and I know that I am. I'd like to think the first but couldn't erase the latter off my mind. Guess it doesn't matter now anyway.

"You're right to a point. But this wasn't all about Harm, this was about me. I've simply longed for a family, a safe live and someone I can come home to. And you've been offering all these even though you didn't really know me. And that's probably been our fault. You didn't know what you got yourself into and I thought as long as I cared for you – which I deeply did – it would work out. I truly hoped so."

Her eyes are now searching mine. I can see that for once she's open with me.

"But that night of our rehearsal dinner when Harm crashed and I was about to loose him, the one best friend I have…."

I nod. It seems like I've known forever that I wouldn't ever fill that place in her heart. That he would always be the one she would turn to because he did know all of her. Sides I never had a chance to but which I would have liked to know.

"… That night I understood that I would have married you for all the wrong reasons."

"And you still wanted me not to leave."

"You know why I did. You told me back then already. You've understood me better than I did myself. The only thing I saw was somebody leaving me again and taking all of my dreams with him."

This sentence helps relieve some of the pressure and uneasiness I've been experiencing since that day and which had increased in the past days. Because now I realize, though I've known all the years, that I've done the one right thing. My love would have never been strong enough for the both of us. And hers would have never been enough for both me and her best friend.

"I do understand Sarah and I'm wishing for you that one day you will see all of them come true." I can now say that with a long lost lightness of heart. It had probably been good advice to talk to her, though I could have done without the last night.

"I'm sorry I hurt you Mic. I didn't intend to, you have to believe that."

She's begging me with her eyes to trust her words and I do, for despite the bad moments we've had pretty good times and these had been one of the happiest in my life.

"So you think you can move on now?"

I ponder her question. Can I?

And this very moment I spot the old lady I've been talking to out of the corner of my eye. But when I turn my head she's nowhere to be seen. She would have asked the same.

I'm sure I would have told her the same I'm telling Sarah now.

"I think I can now remember the good times we shared."

"Thank you Mic. Thank you for having shared part of your life with me."

She smiles at me this one smile I've rarely seen when we were together. After that she stands up, heading off further into the park while I remain sitting at the bench. So this has put an end to a long ago story. I'm glad about that.

-o-o-o-o-

-o-o-o-o-

After having finished early today I hoped that once I was out of the building no longer seeing Mic would mean he'd be put back into my past, no longer shading my future. But that has been two hours already and here I am at Dulles International.

Why is it that this little talk we had left me worse than I've been before his reappearance? In all those years I've managed to put all those things that now keep bothering me aside, pretend that they don't matter. Now they've all come floating back on the surface and are that much harder to be forced down once again. I still feel the need to say goodbye. Now I need this clear cut, this final line under my past.

I've made it just in time.

"Mic," I speak up before he crosses the line – actually the check-in counter – that keeps me from moving on.

He turns.

It's like all those years prior, the very same scene. Only this time I know it to be right. To be the right thing for the both of us to do.

"Good Bye."

"Good bye Sarah." With that he turns back around and continues walking while I'm still standing at the barrier my eyes lingering on his back until he vanishes in the crowd.

This time I'm not holding any remorse. I'm simply standing there watching him leave.

I know where I belong now I've finally made my decision. I'm not savoring the past anymore. I've been well as long as it took, I've been hurt afterwards but now isn't the time for tears anymore.

It rains again when I step out of the terminal. But for once I welcome it. For I know the rain washes away the past and brings new life. And new chances I intend to take.

I walk the few steps to the car and slip into the seat next to Harm finally ready to take a hold of something I wanted for so long.

* * *

The conference is over and so is this story. But I've started writing a sequel (more Harm and Mac) that I might post once it's finished. 

o-o-o-

_I am waiting for her next touch. I am longing for it._

_She is taking her time now. Slowly she is working her way to the next button her fingers trembling. I can see her eyes being concentrated on the button like it was the only thing keeping her focused._

_This time her touch is no longer coincidental. Her finger is drawing a short line over my stomach before she reaches for the item. This time my shiver must be clearly visible for her. Still I manage to keep myself under control just letting her proceed and waiting for her next touch._

_I do not have to wait long though. She has reached my chest by now. I can feel the warmth of her skin on mine when first one finger lingers only to be joined by a second thereafter._

_Her eyes search for mine and they lock. None of us is concentrated on the buttons any longer. There is something more important than being on time now._

_Slowly her whole hand comes to rest on my chest. That is when my body finally sets back into action and my hands reach out for her in one swift motion. My right hand begins to softly caress her cheek while the other finally finds the smooth linen that is covering her hip._

_Her hand moves from my chest up to my neck where it is joined by the other. In the same motion I am pulling her close, close enough to feel her body heat mixing with mine._

_And what has started out slow is now up to an incredible speed when our lips come crashing down on each other's. My hand is now in her neck pressing her mouth to mine. I run my tongue over her lips desperate to be granted entrance. I hear myself mourn when she is finally parting her lips and I am once more tasting her sweetness._

o-o-o-

So do you think it's worth writing?


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